Laying here filtering through thoughts, pictures, memories. As I think about this last year, I feel like I've fallen off so far from the path I was on. But at the same time, I'm looking at how far I've come and yet, how far I still want and need to go. I am feeling completely behind in so many things and yet - so far ahead. And as I lay, staring at the screen of more and more research on how to "win" - it is like a light bulb went off.
"You know you don't have to talk about JUST sex or deep stuff."
I mean, yeah, it would have seemed so obvious, but it wasn't. One of those moments where the strive for perfection overlaps that ugly little thing titled "performance."
If you ask why I don't YouTube - I would tell you, "I don't look a certain way for branding."
If you ask what happened to the podcast - I would tell you, "Well, I don't know how to fit it in my schedule! I don't have the right equipment. I need more storage on my phone."
I could go on, but get the picture? Yeah, every little move I need to make is followed with some form of an excuse and now I get it.
See, the last few weeks - Yahweh has had me studying the book of Joshua again. This time, the more profound revelation lies in the possession of the Promised Land. The land was theirs - a promise made hundreds of years ago to them. Yet, certain Hebrews couldn't access it due to a lack of faith. And the ones who did access it - they were under a leader and they had STRATEGY TO POSSESS! (Trust me, I'm sensing this won't be a one-part blog.") But I'll tell you what was a very interesting phenomenon to me.
The scripture says that God hardened the heart of Isreal's enemies. Why? I mean, I don't know. You would think that if God gave you land to possess and it is yours, you could just go in and say, "Alright, ya know. God gave this to me. It's mine" and all would be well right? Uh, well no. Not according to Father Yahweh. For some reason or another (and I have a few ideas why), He wanted them to fight! Why? Was it that they were so strong? No, quite the opposite. It was because YAHWEH was. Now, lol, either He's on a power trip or there are reasons beyond our understanding where He commands them to WAR against their enemies to possess what is there (again, I believe I get it a little).
Anyway, part of what I have received from this study is that -1. I have land (a promise)!
2. I have permission to access it!
3. I have the power of Yahweh behind me to fight for it!
Where am I going with all of this? Let me return to my overthinking for months now of, "I'm not good enough to step out further!" Lies. He told me to write. Well, I should be writing. He told me to speak. I should be speaking. While I'm watching other speakers, waiting on "my turn", the nudge of the Holy Spirit goes "It's already your turn." What's that saying, "You've been waiting on God but He's waiting on you." Yep, that's me right now.
Truth be told, if the Hebrew Israelites would have just waited on Yahweh to possess the Promised Land they would have still been at the brink of the Jordan River looking at the ark of the covenant. I'm sure Yahweh's patience may have been tested. LOL! But had they moved ahead of Him, they likely would not have been successful. And had He not given them their strength, they likely would've thought it was "them" that won. Basically, Yahweh gave them a fixed fight! Think about that. While you're doing that...I just realized I've been tripping harder than hard. HA! Basically, I'm tripping. It's time for possession. It's been time.
