This is a little dark but I'm going to make a heavy point and my truth is what it is. Follow along with me if you can...
#storytime the day I knew I was going to walk away from my past marriage
I was sitting at the dinner table alone, listening to Wayne's "Drop the World." π§πͺ¦
I'd concluded in my mind that if death was the only way out of the marriage - then we were all about to "go". In my mind I questioned,
"Him first, then kids?" π¨π½π¦±➡️π§πΎπ¦πΎ
"Kids first, then him?" π§πΎπ¦πΎ➡️π¨π½π¦±
I couldn't take him and leave the kids to a system. π«π π¨π½π¦±
I couldn't take the kids and leave us both to a system. π«π π§πΎπ¦πΎ
I couldn't see anything but death. ☠️π
At that point I was not only a rebellious wife, but a disrespectful wife, and either adulterous or on the brink of being an adulterous wife. ππ
All I knew was I wanted out and unaliving seemed ... more logical. π³️
Listening to the lyrics,
"So I pick the world up and I'ma drop it on your f**in' head..."* π£
"Yeah... And I could die now, rebirth..." π₯π©Έ
death...pain...hurt...darkness...
that's all I felt and that's all I consumed. π€π―️
I remember him passing by me and staring at him as he did... feeling hatred. π§π
Feeling like ... "it's gotta happen... we gotta go..." πΆπ«️
Because one thing I knew - the level of disrespect I had for a man of his caliber would probably result in ... continual toxic abusive nature by either of our hands. π₯π‘️
Truth be told.
Because even if I never put my hands on him, my words and actions would likely cut him to the core and ANY man that FEELS like a MAN will try to regain control - SOMEHOW. ⚔️π£️
Do you feel me? ✋πΎπ€
Do you know what kind of situation one has to be in to PRE-plan unaliving an entire family? ππ³️
A family you birthed? πΆπΎπΆπΎ
A man you committed to for years??? ππ
....
And truth be told I could sit up here all day and talk about the history of things that transpired that led to that point but at the end of the day no matter what drove me to THAT night where my mind, spirit, and soul were literally broken with darkness ... πΈ️π
LET ME TAKE YOU EVEN FURTHER BACK. π°️
Back to the night I willfully disobeyed the voice of the Lord to be with that same man. πΏπ
πΎ♀️
Back to the night I willfully told Yah, "I'mma be with him anyway, you'll save him." π£️⚠️
Back to the night I willfully submitted to him in the flesh. ππ€
Back to the night even after the Lord giving me MULTIPLE ways to escape my fall with him, I STILL yielded to him. πππΎ♀️➡️
Back to the dreams where MONTHS before I even met the man - that I would fall into sexual sin with him. ππ
Back to the dreams that showed me the first "other woman." πΆπ«️π©π½π¦±
What's my point??? π―
IT ALL MATTERS. I CANNOT and WILL NOT throw a pity party over circumstances I ended up in because I CHOSE WHAT I WANTED TO DO. πͺ⚖️
One of the things I teach my children is ACCOUNTABILITY. π¨π½π©π½π§π½π¦π½π£️
I teach them that you can choose your sin, but you can't choose your consequences. π§©π
One of the things that I coach women in is - ACCOUNTABILITY! πͺπΎπ
And you know what?
As I continued to heal, and the Lord continued to hold me accountable for the aftermath of what divorce brought into my life, it was "I" who apologized to HIM for the role "I" PLAYED in our failed marriage. ππΏ
For every time I thought I was justified to be the type of woman I WAS, I had to submit to the Most High to realize that I was a TRASH wife in several areas! π§Ίπ
Does this void his role and accountability of his own decisions??
No.
But I'm not responsible for that and the only thing I can pray is he finds the same peace that I had to find. π️ππΎ
So yes, it's BEYOND irritating to me to see a culture that's sooooooooo quick to point a finger and make women the victims of situations WE chose! π£️π
It's weak to me. π’
It's an excuse to me. π§±
It's a blindfold to me. π΅π«
WE. MAKE. CHOICES. π§ π
And the thing is .... for the most part, we ain't even blind to this.
We know this.
We'll say this to others, especially a man, the minute something is wrong.
Hell we in black America teach our sons for the most part to make sure they "act right" out of fear of the cops π✊πΎ and then if they're arrested,
"It could have been avoided IF they had done xyz."
We say this to the men who have bitter baby mamas,
"Oh fight harder, take her to court, you shouldn't have been with her, you shouldn't have ...blah blah blah." π⚖️
We KNOW how to hold people accountable. ππ£
The only time we the BLINDEST is when it comes with a pretty decent face and some tears. π’π
Just 'cause situations emotionally trigger us DO NOT MAKE THEM automatically innocent from the one who is in the situation.
Because it's unpopular to see a seemingly innocent woman and say "Nah, I'll keep quiet on that" or "Nah, she may be lying." π§πΎ♀️π«
Make it make sense to me.
You can't.
Cause I done been that woman with the crocodile tears. ππ
Because I done raised girls, trained girls, and mentored girls with crocodile tears as sneaky and lying too!!! ππ©πΎπ
And yeah... I done been that woman with domestic violence so much to I can definitely tell you the difference between an abusive man and a TOXIC RELATIONSHIP. π©Έπ
I done been that woman that had to look at my own circumstances and say,
"Ain’t nobody forced you into this. You're here because you chose this." π️π¬
life. is. choice. driven. ⚖️π
we will live and die by the CONSEQUENCES of the choices we make. π➡️π️
And thank you for coming to my TedTalk. π€π
#AccountabilityIsLove #WifeHealing #RawAndRedeemed #ToxicToTestimony #WarfareToWisdom
#RealTalkForWomen #FaithAndFailure #TransparentHealing #ChoicesMatter #DeliveredNotDelicate
#MarriageTruths #DarkToLight #WoundsAndWisdom #NoMoreExcuses #TruthTellingTime