So, I missed last week's blog after patting myself on the back for four consecutive blogs. LOL... *sarcastic roll of my eyes*
I drove around completing UberEats orders in silence yesterday and asked silently, "Ok Lord...what are we talking about tomorrow."
After a few more trips, out of nowhere, I heard the words, "Vodka/Red Bull." Instantly my mind took me back to the last time I drank that combo in a heavy fashion and the reason I did it and I guess, if I'm being led correctly, this is the purpose for this blog. I'll be the first to say I thought it was odd, but here we are... So in good ol' Zoe Dee fashion, I will take you back with me to Greenville, MS...back a few years in maybe March'ish. I had decided that I needed a break. My heart was hurt, cold, and rebellion was breeding. I wanted a "Girl's Night" which, lets be honest, usually means that we're about to get drunk, talk about our men, and then go home to them (or someone else) for some *hopefully* good sex.
This night I was secure in the fact that I was going to get at least one drink in, shake my poorly off rhythm tail, and go home as late as I wanted to for some "get back." Even though in my heart, I wasn't going to cheat - I knew I wanted to make him as insecure as he'd made me. Can y'all say red flag? Lol, ok we'll get there....So there I was, at the bar - rocking to the music (definitely off rhythm, lol) and taking my mind off all of the responsibilities of my daily life. I walked up to the bar, "Vodka, red bull." The bartender asked, "Single or Double?"
"Single," I replied - no need to go all out, right? A few dances, sweating and flirting later I was back at the bar. Another vodka/red bull. I was in the zone with no care. By this time, far as I cared, I was single and kidless. Heck, I wasn't even a professional; That night, I just wanted to be free. Here's the thing though that really tugged at me: all night a certain -ex was constantly on my mind. I don't know why - I couldn't explain it. It had been years since we talked, he was married and of course, I needed to respect that, right? I pushed him out of my mind the entire night. I refused to even make an attempt to contact - though again, it had been years since we left off on bad terms - for the second or third time.
.
Well, while I'm grooving, smiling and free - suddenly I caught a glance of this ex's physical features. You know that feeling when your heart drops to your stomach. Like, you literally feel a rush of heat through your stomach. Yeah...that's what I felt in that moment. I cursed and laughed at the same time. It literally was the last thing that I knew I needed. Of all the people and of all of the nights, why in the heck would he be there in that club??? The irony also - neither one of us were people that like to be "out" you know... so yeah...It was a divine set up, right? Had to be!
"God, you have a sense of humor!" I remember thinking.
See, this was a man I would have probably killed and died for so of course, I could spot him probably ten miles away without glasses! I tried to hide and avoided him for as long as I could, while I figure out if I would make my presence known to him or not. But it's Specs (Spectators), and though the club had two sides, there were not many places to run. Well, I can be honest - I wanted him to see me. I hated him and seeing him reminded me that I was supposed to hate him but I loved him; I was two drinks in and I realize d that this man had been on my mind all night and it was apparent why. By some force of nature, we were there in spirit before we saw each other in the natural. Something in my subconscious was telling me all that night that we would meet. But why?
I had to go find my friend who I'd come with, who now had the honor of being my designated driver! LOL
"Jacob* is here!" I yelled.
"WHAT?!" she asked.
"Jacob* IS HERE!!!" I yelled louder.
Understanding what I said, her eyes bucked open. I recall her asking me what I wanted to do; if I wanted to leave. She understood that this was probably the last person I needed to see. But I didn't want to leave. He couldn't possibly have that much power over me right?
Fast forward to minutes later and we finally greet. I shake my head as he hugs me, thinking "This is not happening." It was as if the years and distance never existed and we were simple "Anikka & Jacob"*. All of a sudden, I remembered that I was taken again, I was a wife. All of sudden, I remembered I was a mother, I had children. I was a leader to other women on fidelity and purity. But I remembered our memories. I remembered us. Immediately, I was torn between being who I knew that Yahweh wanted me to be and the person I simply wanted to be in that moment. And in that moment...I ran to alcohol, not my Father.
"You gotta buy me a drink," I yelled to him over the music.
He laughed. A laughed that made my insides jump. A laughed that reminded me of the history we shared and the laughter we shared. I rolled my eyes. I definitely needed another drink.
I thought, "This could not be my life right now."
"What you drinking," he asked.
"Vodka/Red bull," I shouted. He looked for a few seconds and I gave him my, "Don't ask me no questions," look.
"DOUBLE." I added.
"Vodka/Red Bull double," he ordered. We sat there at the bar together, once again, like old times engulfed in each other - and no one else mattered. I didn't care who saw us - we started talking like we'd just seen each other the day before. This made matters worse because the internal conflict was becoming heavier. So what did I do? I drunk faster! Why??? Why did I even feel like I needed a double on top of the previous drinks? I was already drinking to escape the life I didn't want to go back to and now here I was trying to escape the possibilities of this night. I drunk and drunk fast but I wouldn't let him out of my sight. I started to feel like maybe, just maybe we were supposed to be there together; it had to be, right?
Well, all was well; we laughed, we talked, we flirted...and then I remembered. I remembered the rejection. I remembered he left me and built a family with another woman. I remembered the pain, the nights crying, the ignored phone calls. And all of a sudden, I was walking out of the club - drunk and fighting him, yelling "You married her! You went and had a family with her! You didn't want me!" Through drunken sobs and tears running down my face, I yelled, "WHY WAS I NOT GOOD ENOUGH!" Things took a complete turn as I could barely walk and as I was being put in the car, I kept trying to get out of the car to get answers from him! Ironically, I still didn't want to let him go and I didn't care anything about who I was obligated to go home to! I didn't care if he had anyone to go home to. I needed him even if I hated him. WHY???
Fast forward a few minutes and he and my designated driver are trying to figure out how I'm getting home. At this point, I make it plain that I didn't want her to; My drunken nature was bold and I forcefully told them that I NEEDED him to take me home. It was well after club hours and I didn't care about a "curfew" from my current partner. Crazy...I needed to feel wanted by someone who for years showed me I wasn't his choice.
They decided that my driver would bring my vehicle home and then he would trail her, with me in the car and take my driver back to her vehicle. It was all fine with me. On the way home, I repeatedly begged him to take me home with him. It was a sad reality, as I cried over and over, "I wanna go home with you!" yet again he was rejecting me. This time, his rejection was for my safety more than not. He refused to take me with him - instead, he took me home and we exchanged numbers. I don't recall the entire conversation but I remember asking him why he was bringing me home; his reply, "I don't want you like this." It made me love and hate him all over again. I thought, "Maybe things were different," and "Maybe he realized after all those years I should have built his family." This all sounded good - except ... I was a wife, not a girlfriend and he was a husband and neither of us belonged to each other. We were parents. We had careers. It had been years and the decisions we made years ago had drastically navigated us in different directions.
Leaving him, I saved his number under a female friend's name and for the entire next day, it taunted me whether I would delete his number or play this game of infidelity until we were together again as one. I debated long and hard. Hours. I would write messages to him and delete them. I didn't want to be the same person I judged. I didn't want to be an adulterer again. I couldn't imagine living life hiding behind my sins. I had to make a hardcore decision. Why? because I wanted what was wrong! And I was real enough with myself to accept that somewhere along the lines, that I had lost the love for God, my husband, and overall the life that I was living. The question was - was I willing to lay everything down for the feeling of acceptance and love, even if it was false? Realistically, did this man actually love me? Most importantly - even if he wanted me, DID I REALLY WANT HIM? Or did I just want to FEEL loved and accepted?
Another thing I questioned Yahweh on was why did I have the subconscious experience that he would be there or I would see him? In the natural, emotional world it would seem as if we were simply "supposed" to be there. And maybe the "stars aligned" us.. hmm.... NO. I had to recognize that underneath all of my other feelings of resentment, rejection, and rebellion towards my then-husband were deeply rooted feelings I had oppressed. In that, that night, I allowed the familiar spirit of my ex- to take root back into my life. See, I didn't make the decision to not commit adultery that night - my ex did. Praise YAHWEH for keeping us both! In that night, I realized that my heart had become adulterous. And if I can, I want to end this blog with a DOUBLE dose of spiritual reality.
See this title is symbolic in two ways. One the natural realm of my experiences but also, the psychological aspect of the nature of the drink itself. Why? Vodka/Red Bull is a dangerous one and has the same effect as cocaine (do your own research on that, I need to make other points, lol). I don't know how much my 5'0 body held but listen, I was MESSED UP! So listen, this may not be popular and it may bring strong convictions but let's just take a minute to be real.
1. I left the house with rebellion in my heart against my then-husband, which let's be honest - was an open door for my heart and spirit to invite ungodly influence. In hindsight, I should have chosen my home - in any kind of way. I was looking for a "break" but really I was looking to make him jealous and insecure remember? Look at my heart from the beginning. If I really just needed a break, why chose a "club"? Why not say, "Hey girl let's go get a bite to eat and a few drinks?" Why choose to go out with the intention of staying out because I knew that it would piss my partner off? I operated in the spirit of witchcraft because my intention was to do what? Manipulate HIS emotions! Can we be real enough to just deal with us?? Can we face ourselves in all of the ugly traits we may operate in? If not, we tie Yahweh's hand over us and I'll explain that in a bit.
2. This brings me to my next point. I went to a place in which the I believe the enemy is given permission to attack our spirits and lure us into ungodly actions - a club; This environment is mainly filled with single people who are drunk (or drinking), women are dressed provocatively, and the music playing mainly influences you to be "loose." Let's be real. Let's cut out the "it's clean fun" deception and really ask ourselves if these types of environments grow us as believers? You may say, we must live life and I agree with living LIFE but AGAIN, we're being honest: What in that environment brings you "life"? It's a temporary high. Is it really what you need? Is it really what you WANT to be doing? Or is it the last result? Is it a habit you don't want to break? Is it just something to do where you can be seen with your fresh outfits, nails, hair, and shoes? Questions that really need answers you know?
3. Now, this part. My ex. Thinking back, man that was a horrible night, lol. Dang. I seriously just texted my friend while writing this and THANKED HER! I was a mess. Seeing that ex under the influence exposed unresolved issues that I was still holding on to. I still loved him, I still felt rejected. I still questioned if I made the right marital choices. I was simply not healed. I should have been no one's wife. And this is something men and women do not address. We "heal ourselves" temporarily with new relationships and/or substances. But we don't heal through the power of the Holy Spirit because we usually don't allow Him to have control in this area! We don't forgive. And really what we do is link up with more familiar spirits; people unhealed and rejected and we bond. We don't build emotionally healthy relationships and it stunts the next relationship. So many women are wishing that they were married to another woman's husband. I was one of those women. I know women who still think feel like I felt that night at Specs. I know this is real. But how can you ever move forward being a victim of the past? How can you have a prominent relationship that works when you're seriously hurting from your past?
See...SO many of us walk about masking with the "red bull/vodka" combo. You use the strongest combination you can handle at the time. Until it's not strong enough and you need something else. Remember, I had two drinks before he came and then increased my "dosage." Your combo may be shopping, sex, self-harm, your friends, your family, your children...I mean we use anything really to become co-dependent on when we don't want to face the truth. What is this truth?
Well for starters, the truth is that we need to evaluate our decisions and the heart behind them. We are comfortable in the "God knows my heart," excuse and yeah He does; INDEED He does. He knows that it's wicked. He tells us to be led by the Spirit and not the flesh. He tells you that He will lead and guide you into all truth. See...
Let's assume the hand of God wasn't over my destiny that night and that I actually went home with this ex - opening myself up to his demons again through our sexual perversion. I likely would have destroyed two marriages, and Lord forbid a child or STD could have come; not to mention the sexually transmitted demons as well? I could easily say, "God knew what I was going through," and justify my actions. But here's the thing - I was WRONG. I was wrong to leave the house in the condition of my heart. I was wrong to seek alcohol and become FILTHY DRUNK to mask my hurting heart. I was WRONG to commit adultery in my heart. I was wrong. That situation could have played out so much worse.
But how many times does it play out JUST the opposite and we generally feel no remorse? We become the side chicks ruled by our evil hearts, justifying our actions in our selfishness. People, there's no excuse. Purity is purity, and I'm not just talking about sexual sin but in our lifestyles and everything that pertains to us. God has expectations of our lifestyles and we have no excuse. How many times do we really hold ourselves accountable to righteousness? Now you may not deal with my tests, but I'm sure you have tests! And I'm sure every day you have to choose which voice you'll listen to. You'll have to choose the type of man or woman you want to be based on what's presented to you. You'll have to face the ugly truth of your heart and then compare that with what the Word gives you.
Can I be honest? I cried deleting his number. I was angry with God. I felt like I didn't deserve so much but whose fault was it? At the end of the day, I needed to take spiritual responsibility for my life and physical responsibility. And how was my adultery going to substitute for my hurt? I deleted the number and didn't look back. Now unfortunately, I was tested again with this same ex with almost the exact same scenario. Nope, I didn't pass the test. I didn't make the right decisions. The rebellion was even heavier in my heart and I KNEW I was going to do my thing. The common denominator in both of these situations is I made the decisions with my head and heart but never dealt with the root of the issues that kept me in that cycle. Does that sound familiar? Or is it just me? Ok... And you have to know...I paid for that. Heavily. (I discuss that in the title #aCall2Purity.) The best thing that came out of that was the chains were finally broken after twelve years from that soul tie with this ex. TWELVE YEARS. How much is your disobedience worth?
But anyway, I can't tell you how many times I hear people blame so much of their situations on everything except them. We are a generation, it seems, that cannot be held accountable for anything! But in life? Life is based on the decision you make and the consequences of those decisions! It's important that we place ourselves on the altar of Yahweh DAILY, all day! It's important that we submit ourselves to be led by HIM. It's important that we recognize the weaknesses - cause guess what? The enemy will take your very weakness to bring you down. Ultimately, this is what happens to everyone. It's the weaknesses we don't want to face and stand up to. We don't wanna admit, "I'm addicted to sex", "I'm addicted to drinking", "I'm addicted to masturbation", "I'm addicted to playing the victim", etc. OR even worse, if we do admit it, we have given those demonic influences a right to reside with us and we don't want to change. But we have to do it! We MUST. If we want to see the changes we need to see in ourselves and walk in the calling upon our lives - we MUST allow the water of the Word of wash us, purify us; we must allow the fire of Yahweh to really (and I mean, REALLY) burn us. Our Father isn't withholding His best from you; it's being stolen by your enemy because of your willing disobedience and/or ignorance to the impact of consequences your life choices.
OWN THAT. You can have so much better but it's a fight. Spirit and flesh. Your flesh will justify and deceive you! Your SPIRIT will convict and heal you! Many of us are missing the BEST life Yahweh has for us because we refuse to humble ourselves to His will for our lives. We also suffer from not realizing that "sin" brings "death." It did before, and it still does! So while it seems we are just "living life" we are really "living dead!" Get that? Because: the flesh profits NOTHING! My way out that night was my friend asking me if I wanted to leave. Y'all I will admit, I'm stubborn to a degree. I mean that works when I'm working for the Kingdom or Yahweh but not so much on the opposing side, LOL. But now as I see myself and recall this memory - them holding my drunken body up to walk across the street while I sob and scream at this man through tears for leaving me YEARS ago. I mean...There I was I was married, with kids, and career and STILL NOT healed from a wound and soul tie probably a DECADE old. Embarrassing? YES! But...
Let me tell you, I'm not the only one. I see men and women everyday carrying hurt and masking it behind sex, self-harm, pills, clubbing, promiscuity, smoking, and more. Can I just leave with the encouragement that YAHWEH IS EVERY.THING that you are missing! He will HEAL you. He will DELIVER you. He will allow you to forgive. He gives you a new countenance! He will undo EVERY influence the enemy has taken root in your life. OMG. My vodka/red bulls are long gone because I went through the pain of heart circumcision over these last few years- allowing Yahweh to cut off every piece that didn't reflect Him! Let me tell you....There is so much freedom in dying to live! :)
I'm sorry that was a bit long and I thought we were doing two parts but He said one... I'm just the messenger! :)
It's ya girl, Zoe Dee with a DOUBLE dose tonight of spiritual reality.
P. S. My title, "Sexual Skeletons" will be free this weekend in honor of its one-year anniversary release. I talk about my experience from incest and bisexuality but the purpose of this four-chapter book is to acknowledge our past to prevent the cycles for the next generation. See, here's a truth we have to accept: Your sins affect the next generation. More than likely, you are being influenced by your ancestor's sins and don't even realize it. See how deep this thing is? So yeah... download that! You can visit my amazon page and find it there.
www.amazon.com/author/zoedeespeaks
I'm out yall! Peace!
*Name changed to respect identity. However, Anikka & Jacob are the new characters of the upcoming fiction title, "Circumcise My Heart" *wink*
I drove around completing UberEats orders in silence yesterday and asked silently, "Ok Lord...what are we talking about tomorrow."
After a few more trips, out of nowhere, I heard the words, "Vodka/Red Bull." Instantly my mind took me back to the last time I drank that combo in a heavy fashion and the reason I did it and I guess, if I'm being led correctly, this is the purpose for this blog. I'll be the first to say I thought it was odd, but here we are... So in good ol' Zoe Dee fashion, I will take you back with me to Greenville, MS...back a few years in maybe March'ish. I had decided that I needed a break. My heart was hurt, cold, and rebellion was breeding. I wanted a "Girl's Night" which, lets be honest, usually means that we're about to get drunk, talk about our men, and then go home to them (or someone else) for some *hopefully* good sex.This night I was secure in the fact that I was going to get at least one drink in, shake my poorly off rhythm tail, and go home as late as I wanted to for some "get back." Even though in my heart, I wasn't going to cheat - I knew I wanted to make him as insecure as he'd made me. Can y'all say red flag? Lol, ok we'll get there....So there I was, at the bar - rocking to the music (definitely off rhythm, lol) and taking my mind off all of the responsibilities of my daily life. I walked up to the bar, "Vodka, red bull." The bartender asked, "Single or Double?"
"Single," I replied - no need to go all out, right? A few dances, sweating and flirting later I was back at the bar. Another vodka/red bull. I was in the zone with no care. By this time, far as I cared, I was single and kidless. Heck, I wasn't even a professional; That night, I just wanted to be free. Here's the thing though that really tugged at me: all night a certain -ex was constantly on my mind. I don't know why - I couldn't explain it. It had been years since we talked, he was married and of course, I needed to respect that, right? I pushed him out of my mind the entire night. I refused to even make an attempt to contact - though again, it had been years since we left off on bad terms - for the second or third time.
.
"God, you have a sense of humor!" I remember thinking.
See, this was a man I would have probably killed and died for so of course, I could spot him probably ten miles away without glasses! I tried to hide and avoided him for as long as I could, while I figure out if I would make my presence known to him or not. But it's Specs (Spectators), and though the club had two sides, there were not many places to run. Well, I can be honest - I wanted him to see me. I hated him and seeing him reminded me that I was supposed to hate him but I loved him; I was two drinks in and I realize d that this man had been on my mind all night and it was apparent why. By some force of nature, we were there in spirit before we saw each other in the natural. Something in my subconscious was telling me all that night that we would meet. But why?
"Jacob* is here!" I yelled.
"WHAT?!" she asked.
"Jacob* IS HERE!!!" I yelled louder.
Understanding what I said, her eyes bucked open. I recall her asking me what I wanted to do; if I wanted to leave. She understood that this was probably the last person I needed to see. But I didn't want to leave. He couldn't possibly have that much power over me right?
Fast forward to minutes later and we finally greet. I shake my head as he hugs me, thinking "This is not happening." It was as if the years and distance never existed and we were simple "Anikka & Jacob"*. All of a sudden, I remembered that I was taken again, I was a wife. All of sudden, I remembered I was a mother, I had children. I was a leader to other women on fidelity and purity. But I remembered our memories. I remembered us. Immediately, I was torn between being who I knew that Yahweh wanted me to be and the person I simply wanted to be in that moment. And in that moment...I ran to alcohol, not my Father.
"You gotta buy me a drink," I yelled to him over the music.
He laughed. A laughed that made my insides jump. A laughed that reminded me of the history we shared and the laughter we shared. I rolled my eyes. I definitely needed another drink.
I thought, "This could not be my life right now."
"What you drinking," he asked.
"Vodka/Red bull," I shouted. He looked for a few seconds and I gave him my, "Don't ask me no questions," look.
"DOUBLE." I added.
"Vodka/Red Bull double," he ordered. We sat there at the bar together, once again, like old times engulfed in each other - and no one else mattered. I didn't care who saw us - we started talking like we'd just seen each other the day before. This made matters worse because the internal conflict was becoming heavier. So what did I do? I drunk faster! Why??? Why did I even feel like I needed a double on top of the previous drinks? I was already drinking to escape the life I didn't want to go back to and now here I was trying to escape the possibilities of this night. I drunk and drunk fast but I wouldn't let him out of my sight. I started to feel like maybe, just maybe we were supposed to be there together; it had to be, right? Well, all was well; we laughed, we talked, we flirted...and then I remembered. I remembered the rejection. I remembered he left me and built a family with another woman. I remembered the pain, the nights crying, the ignored phone calls. And all of a sudden, I was walking out of the club - drunk and fighting him, yelling "You married her! You went and had a family with her! You didn't want me!" Through drunken sobs and tears running down my face, I yelled, "WHY WAS I NOT GOOD ENOUGH!" Things took a complete turn as I could barely walk and as I was being put in the car, I kept trying to get out of the car to get answers from him! Ironically, I still didn't want to let him go and I didn't care anything about who I was obligated to go home to! I didn't care if he had anyone to go home to. I needed him even if I hated him. WHY???
Fast forward a few minutes and he and my designated driver are trying to figure out how I'm getting home. At this point, I make it plain that I didn't want her to; My drunken nature was bold and I forcefully told them that I NEEDED him to take me home. It was well after club hours and I didn't care about a "curfew" from my current partner. Crazy...I needed to feel wanted by someone who for years showed me I wasn't his choice.
They decided that my driver would bring my vehicle home and then he would trail her, with me in the car and take my driver back to her vehicle. It was all fine with me. On the way home, I repeatedly begged him to take me home with him. It was a sad reality, as I cried over and over, "I wanna go home with you!" yet again he was rejecting me. This time, his rejection was for my safety more than not. He refused to take me with him - instead, he took me home and we exchanged numbers. I don't recall the entire conversation but I remember asking him why he was bringing me home; his reply, "I don't want you like this." It made me love and hate him all over again. I thought, "Maybe things were different," and "Maybe he realized after all those years I should have built his family." This all sounded good - except ... I was a wife, not a girlfriend and he was a husband and neither of us belonged to each other. We were parents. We had careers. It had been years and the decisions we made years ago had drastically navigated us in different directions.Leaving him, I saved his number under a female friend's name and for the entire next day, it taunted me whether I would delete his number or play this game of infidelity until we were together again as one. I debated long and hard. Hours. I would write messages to him and delete them. I didn't want to be the same person I judged. I didn't want to be an adulterer again. I couldn't imagine living life hiding behind my sins. I had to make a hardcore decision. Why? because I wanted what was wrong! And I was real enough with myself to accept that somewhere along the lines, that I had lost the love for God, my husband, and overall the life that I was living. The question was - was I willing to lay everything down for the feeling of acceptance and love, even if it was false? Realistically, did this man actually love me? Most importantly - even if he wanted me, DID I REALLY WANT HIM? Or did I just want to FEEL loved and accepted?
Another thing I questioned Yahweh on was why did I have the subconscious experience that he would be there or I would see him? In the natural, emotional world it would seem as if we were simply "supposed" to be there. And maybe the "stars aligned" us.. hmm.... NO. I had to recognize that underneath all of my other feelings of resentment, rejection, and rebellion towards my then-husband were deeply rooted feelings I had oppressed. In that, that night, I allowed the familiar spirit of my ex- to take root back into my life. See, I didn't make the decision to not commit adultery that night - my ex did. Praise YAHWEH for keeping us both! In that night, I realized that my heart had become adulterous. And if I can, I want to end this blog with a DOUBLE dose of spiritual reality.
See this title is symbolic in two ways. One the natural realm of my experiences but also, the psychological aspect of the nature of the drink itself. Why? Vodka/Red Bull is a dangerous one and has the same effect as cocaine (do your own research on that, I need to make other points, lol). I don't know how much my 5'0 body held but listen, I was MESSED UP! So listen, this may not be popular and it may bring strong convictions but let's just take a minute to be real.1. I left the house with rebellion in my heart against my then-husband, which let's be honest - was an open door for my heart and spirit to invite ungodly influence. In hindsight, I should have chosen my home - in any kind of way. I was looking for a "break" but really I was looking to make him jealous and insecure remember? Look at my heart from the beginning. If I really just needed a break, why chose a "club"? Why not say, "Hey girl let's go get a bite to eat and a few drinks?" Why choose to go out with the intention of staying out because I knew that it would piss my partner off? I operated in the spirit of witchcraft because my intention was to do what? Manipulate HIS emotions! Can we be real enough to just deal with us?? Can we face ourselves in all of the ugly traits we may operate in? If not, we tie Yahweh's hand over us and I'll explain that in a bit.
2. This brings me to my next point. I went to a place in which the I believe the enemy is given permission to attack our spirits and lure us into ungodly actions - a club; This environment is mainly filled with single people who are drunk (or drinking), women are dressed provocatively, and the music playing mainly influences you to be "loose." Let's be real. Let's cut out the "it's clean fun" deception and really ask ourselves if these types of environments grow us as believers? You may say, we must live life and I agree with living LIFE but AGAIN, we're being honest: What in that environment brings you "life"? It's a temporary high. Is it really what you need? Is it really what you WANT to be doing? Or is it the last result? Is it a habit you don't want to break? Is it just something to do where you can be seen with your fresh outfits, nails, hair, and shoes? Questions that really need answers you know?
3. Now, this part. My ex. Thinking back, man that was a horrible night, lol. Dang. I seriously just texted my friend while writing this and THANKED HER! I was a mess. Seeing that ex under the influence exposed unresolved issues that I was still holding on to. I still loved him, I still felt rejected. I still questioned if I made the right marital choices. I was simply not healed. I should have been no one's wife. And this is something men and women do not address. We "heal ourselves" temporarily with new relationships and/or substances. But we don't heal through the power of the Holy Spirit because we usually don't allow Him to have control in this area! We don't forgive. And really what we do is link up with more familiar spirits; people unhealed and rejected and we bond. We don't build emotionally healthy relationships and it stunts the next relationship. So many women are wishing that they were married to another woman's husband. I was one of those women. I know women who still think feel like I felt that night at Specs. I know this is real. But how can you ever move forward being a victim of the past? How can you have a prominent relationship that works when you're seriously hurting from your past?See...SO many of us walk about masking with the "red bull/vodka" combo. You use the strongest combination you can handle at the time. Until it's not strong enough and you need something else. Remember, I had two drinks before he came and then increased my "dosage." Your combo may be shopping, sex, self-harm, your friends, your family, your children...I mean we use anything really to become co-dependent on when we don't want to face the truth. What is this truth?
Well for starters, the truth is that we need to evaluate our decisions and the heart behind them. We are comfortable in the "God knows my heart," excuse and yeah He does; INDEED He does. He knows that it's wicked. He tells us to be led by the Spirit and not the flesh. He tells you that He will lead and guide you into all truth. See...Let's assume the hand of God wasn't over my destiny that night and that I actually went home with this ex - opening myself up to his demons again through our sexual perversion. I likely would have destroyed two marriages, and Lord forbid a child or STD could have come; not to mention the sexually transmitted demons as well? I could easily say, "God knew what I was going through," and justify my actions. But here's the thing - I was WRONG. I was wrong to leave the house in the condition of my heart. I was wrong to seek alcohol and become FILTHY DRUNK to mask my hurting heart. I was WRONG to commit adultery in my heart. I was wrong. That situation could have played out so much worse.
But how many times does it play out JUST the opposite and we generally feel no remorse? We become the side chicks ruled by our evil hearts, justifying our actions in our selfishness. People, there's no excuse. Purity is purity, and I'm not just talking about sexual sin but in our lifestyles and everything that pertains to us. God has expectations of our lifestyles and we have no excuse. How many times do we really hold ourselves accountable to righteousness? Now you may not deal with my tests, but I'm sure you have tests! And I'm sure every day you have to choose which voice you'll listen to. You'll have to choose the type of man or woman you want to be based on what's presented to you. You'll have to face the ugly truth of your heart and then compare that with what the Word gives you.
Can I be honest? I cried deleting his number. I was angry with God. I felt like I didn't deserve so much but whose fault was it? At the end of the day, I needed to take spiritual responsibility for my life and physical responsibility. And how was my adultery going to substitute for my hurt? I deleted the number and didn't look back. Now unfortunately, I was tested again with this same ex with almost the exact same scenario. Nope, I didn't pass the test. I didn't make the right decisions. The rebellion was even heavier in my heart and I KNEW I was going to do my thing. The common denominator in both of these situations is I made the decisions with my head and heart but never dealt with the root of the issues that kept me in that cycle. Does that sound familiar? Or is it just me? Ok... And you have to know...I paid for that. Heavily. (I discuss that in the title #aCall2Purity.) The best thing that came out of that was the chains were finally broken after twelve years from that soul tie with this ex. TWELVE YEARS. How much is your disobedience worth?
But anyway, I can't tell you how many times I hear people blame so much of their situations on everything except them. We are a generation, it seems, that cannot be held accountable for anything! But in life? Life is based on the decision you make and the consequences of those decisions! It's important that we place ourselves on the altar of Yahweh DAILY, all day! It's important that we submit ourselves to be led by HIM. It's important that we recognize the weaknesses - cause guess what? The enemy will take your very weakness to bring you down. Ultimately, this is what happens to everyone. It's the weaknesses we don't want to face and stand up to. We don't wanna admit, "I'm addicted to sex", "I'm addicted to drinking", "I'm addicted to masturbation", "I'm addicted to playing the victim", etc. OR even worse, if we do admit it, we have given those demonic influences a right to reside with us and we don't want to change. But we have to do it! We MUST. If we want to see the changes we need to see in ourselves and walk in the calling upon our lives - we MUST allow the water of the Word of wash us, purify us; we must allow the fire of Yahweh to really (and I mean, REALLY) burn us. Our Father isn't withholding His best from you; it's being stolen by your enemy because of your willing disobedience and/or ignorance to the impact of consequences your life choices.OWN THAT. You can have so much better but it's a fight. Spirit and flesh. Your flesh will justify and deceive you! Your SPIRIT will convict and heal you! Many of us are missing the BEST life Yahweh has for us because we refuse to humble ourselves to His will for our lives. We also suffer from not realizing that "sin" brings "death." It did before, and it still does! So while it seems we are just "living life" we are really "living dead!" Get that? Because: the flesh profits NOTHING! My way out that night was my friend asking me if I wanted to leave. Y'all I will admit, I'm stubborn to a degree. I mean that works when I'm working for the Kingdom or Yahweh but not so much on the opposing side, LOL. But now as I see myself and recall this memory - them holding my drunken body up to walk across the street while I sob and scream at this man through tears for leaving me YEARS ago. I mean...There I was I was married, with kids, and career and STILL NOT healed from a wound and soul tie probably a DECADE old. Embarrassing? YES! But...
Let me tell you, I'm not the only one. I see men and women everyday carrying hurt and masking it behind sex, self-harm, pills, clubbing, promiscuity, smoking, and more. Can I just leave with the encouragement that YAHWEH IS EVERY.THING that you are missing! He will HEAL you. He will DELIVER you. He will allow you to forgive. He gives you a new countenance! He will undo EVERY influence the enemy has taken root in your life. OMG. My vodka/red bulls are long gone because I went through the pain of heart circumcision over these last few years- allowing Yahweh to cut off every piece that didn't reflect Him! Let me tell you....There is so much freedom in dying to live! :)
I'm sorry that was a bit long and I thought we were doing two parts but He said one... I'm just the messenger! :)It's ya girl, Zoe Dee with a DOUBLE dose tonight of spiritual reality.
P. S. My title, "Sexual Skeletons" will be free this weekend in honor of its one-year anniversary release. I talk about my experience from incest and bisexuality but the purpose of this four-chapter book is to acknowledge our past to prevent the cycles for the next generation. See, here's a truth we have to accept: Your sins affect the next generation. More than likely, you are being influenced by your ancestor's sins and don't even realize it. See how deep this thing is? So yeah... download that! You can visit my amazon page and find it there.
www.amazon.com/author/zoedeespeaks
I'm out yall! Peace!
