Shalom!
By now, I hope you've had some time to really think about what your triggers are and are on a path of healing and wholeness. If you haven't read the first blog on how to do so - stop reading here and read the last blog!
During this time may be one of the most difficult ones because... of course - you're accountable to yourself first now.
And of course it would seem that you would most definitely try to avoid the drama. So, how do you manage?
You choose peace in whatever mature form that looks like and stay level headed. This is growth, sister.
I know all too well no one can push your buttons like an ex or the father of your child. If you have one that is spiteful, really doing things in hate - how do you deal with that?
Now, let me stop here and say: Our emotions can lead us to some very dark unrealistic realities and sometimes these fathers are not the problem, or at least the whole problem; I'll address that but first - the ones that are.
Behaviors that I am addressing include-
- Him not taking the time to speak with or see his child.
- Him not taking the time to respond to his child when the child calls or texts.
- Him not providing anything when he is angry at you but will do over and above for the child when he's not angry with you.
- Him being an inconsistent provider based on circumstances outside of the kids - usually as a reaction to you.
- Him not wanting to communicate respectfully (intimidating, controlling, putting words in your mouth or twisting your words, stonewalling you when he's angry, ignoring you when he doesn't want to discuss change, refusing to discuss parental matters, etc.) with you.
- Him interrogating the kids about your life or the kids lives, and/or intimidating them to answer questions simply for the purpose of wanting personal information.
- Him disregarding and disrespecting your new relationship or marriage (by not respecting the new person that is raising HIS kids, or by trying to get with you still, etc.)
..and so forth.
As you can see - these behaviors are a reflection of the individual without needing to be triggered by unstable circumstances of a poor relationship. He is likely unhappy and highly displeased with you and himself. For whatever the reasons are, I will not say that those are behaviors that we as mothers have to reduce ourselves to live with simply because we want the children to have a relationship with him.
Now, this is kind of a two fold thing because on one hand, you don't want to interfere with a child's relationship with their father. But when that relationship is damaging - do you continue? I'll preface the next statement with a disclaimer that I by no means again believe in interfering in a child's relationship with their father. HOWEVER...I will say that I have had to agree and embrace that I cannot control the other parent. But it comes a point, if that child's relationship with the father is emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually damaging to the child - then some real measures need to be in place to protect the child. This may cause for supervised visitations and monitoring phone calls; this may call for counseling as a family or a sit down with you all as parents. If that father refuses - personally, I believe an executive decision has to be made in the best interest of the child. Isn't that what the courts would say?
The key is as a mother, not being just as personally and emotionally attached to the justice you want for your child that you become part of the problem instead of the solution. A thing I see with women is that they attempt to control the fathers of their children. You want to control aspects that, technically - ain't got nothing to do with the child and the father. I've seen all types of stuff from sisters. You're mad because another woman touched the child head (I was that woman too, so I understand ... I understand enough to tell you it's foolery...). You're mad because he's taking the child around someone you don't like, etc. I mean, at a certain point you do simply have to realize - you had a child with this man and now you must release that child to this man! If no bodily harm is coming, you really just have to embrace the fact that you picked him. The version of him now may not be who you picked, but you can't control the relationship with his child by holding him to standards that you don't have the right to hold him to.
My children's father and I live totally different lifestyles. Totally. It is up to my husband and I to train our children, however, I cannot and we do not attempt to control their households when they are with their other parents. We hold the children accountable to the principles we put inside of them and we HOPE that the parents give us the respect due but they don't. Instead, there is an intentional and deliberate attempt to ostracize the principles we teach them and condemn, criticize, sway them away from the things that they are taught. If you feel me... you know I would take this as disrespect because it is intentional; which is wrong.
So...again I say - lines must be drawn sometimes when the fathers are completely wrong and that's ok. What brings peace? What brings solutions?
Sometimes that's putting the kids in situations that you don't want to put them in - because the other parent has forced your hand in doing so. How do you handle that when all you want is peace? I don't have all of the answers but I will share a two solutions that are working for me -
- Disengage. When I communicated, I attempted to communicate with a goal of "Hey, this is what's going on. Can we work out a solution for xyz." What this looks like in real time. Ex. We homeschool, so technically the kid's can visit their fathers whenever. I have expressed this on more than one occasion, and been willing to work with both fathers. However, aside from the fact that we are homeschooling being disrespected - my attempt at helping them to see their children were nulled, voided, and even flipped on me. That caused me to completely disengage. It also forced me to let our children know where I stood - because one of the fathers lied as if I didn't want my child to be with them. DIS.ENGAGE. Definition: separate or release (someone or something) from something to which they are attached or connected. What does this look like? Let him think/say/believe whatever he wants to believe; be honest with your child and move on!!! No bashing, no arguing, no none of that! NOTE: I do not recommend bashing the father in front of them but leaving facts as facts and then still, requiring them to honor the position of the FATHER. AT NO TIME SHOULD YOUR CHILD EVER FEEL COMFORTABLE TREATING THEIR FATHER DIFFERENTLY BECAUSE OF HOW THE FATHER TREATS YOU. It's not about what that father deserves but about understanding the flow of authority. If you teach your children to dishonor and disprespect their father, it won't be long before they are dishonoring and disrespecting other authority. No matter what either man does, my children know they never have a pass at disrespect or dishonor. I even encourage them to speak to them about their feelings and etc. However, I do not take responsibility for the lack of relationship the fathers create.
- Separate! Yes, separate. Recall in part I, I stated the father of my children do not have access to me. While there were options presented for communication as adults - none of the other options were respected. Therefore, at this point - the children communicate with their father, and neither father communicates with me. Should the window for reconciliation as parents occur - it will be through my husband first. Now, if you're not married - I would suggest a mature party that can make this happen. My last option is the court - but unfortunately, life has shown me that just because you don't want to take a particular route with someone, doesn't mean you want have to. For example. I never wanted to go through a child support office for child support. Respectfully - come on. The courts should have to tell a man to pay for their seed? No. But I dreamed a dreamed one night; and in that dream I was opening up Texas Child Support mail with one of the father's name on it. After his futile attempt at opening a child protective service case on us failed, he stopped paying support and then when he did - the amount was lowered by $300. At this point, whatever measure my husband sees is most direct and peaceful to take is the route we'll go. Either way - I won't attempt to engage or communicate with the other parent. Find someone who cares enough about you and can be peaceful but orderly with the father. I would suggest a man but hey... I can't say that works either. Another example - I had my sister to pick the kids up during exchanges.
The scriptures say do everything YOU can... (catch that now) ... to live in peace! So what does that peace look like? If you're dealing with a father who is insistent on bringing drama - separate your presence from his life without taking his child out of the picture. Feel me?
I gotta go but .... it's something else I wanna address so ... part III?
Part III...
Stay tuned!