Characteristics of a Biblical Wife (Part IV): The Self-Governed Wife

I'm reminded of a time I think is most relevant to this blog post. 

I recall a young lady who was interested in my husband (who is openly polygynous, for those that don't know - so that we can get that out of the way).

In this moment in time, she and I weren't necessarily seeing eye to eye; and "I" was kind of ... not feeling it at all, right. 

But, in my own morality, I operated with her as best as I knew how: patiently and with love - and out of her way to avoid losing my temper, right? What more could be asked of me? 

Well, one day, I'm trying to get by her, and I say, "Excuse me." 

She ignores me.

*insert soft maniac laugh* 

I say, "Excuse me," again - she doesn't move. She doesn't even flippin' acknowledge me, right? 

*insert another soft maniac laugh* 

I explain to her kindly that I'm saying "Excuse me" because I need to get by and she's in my way. She still doesn't move. 

Matter of fact, she takes more of her time and nods like, "Yep." Eventually, she moves, and I've kept my composure right? 

Hmm..ok. In my head I'm thinking ... this "b" really trying me, ya know. Cause what the heck???

But I'm calm, get through it. Whatever.

Fast forward to later on that night, where we're all in the kitchen and I'm getting ready to warm my food. She stands in the front of the oven's door CLEARLY seeing me trying to put my food in the oven. And she stands AT. THE. OVEN'S. DOOR. Aight. Coo...

So, go through THIS again? I think not.  So, one of my deepest pet peeves is passive communication and passive aggressive behavior cause, "Sis" - if we got a problem we can just fight, lol... ya know? 😆

So, yep, I opened the door - the oven's door QUICK - on. her. leg. 

She jumps back, surprised, and acting hurt. ACTING innocent. ACTING like she didn't know what was going on. And that... yeah that burned me up even more. BUT.

My husband INSTANTLY calls me out. 

My response: "Well, seems like she doesn't understand what excuse me means and she was in my way soooo...."

*sigh* 

Booooooy, boy, boy - were we ALLLLLL angry. LOL! 

I was angry because he seemed oblivious to what was happening and then correcting ME of all people AS IF. 

HE was disappointed in my behavior from a completely different stand point. That night, he called me outside and then lovingly chastised me in the most hurtful but most powerful way ever.  It changed not only THAT situation with her - it changed ME as a woman.

He said to me that he understood it all - but that I had to understand HIS position BUT I also had to understand HIS expectations for me as a wife and woman. 

He explained to me that my actions were, to say the least, too vulnerable. His concern was me not being able to control my emotions and escalating situations that could put us in harm's way. Supposed we'd gotten to fighting for real? I was all for that 'cause clearly homegirl had some issues with me - BUT - he played so many scenarios out that COULD HAVE happened beyond THAT moment to make me realize - 

I needed to be in more control of myself and to never let anyone see that they've gotten to me like that.

I walked away from that situation ten times the woman I use to be and this, sisters, is what we're going to address in this part four of this series: CONTROLLING YOUR ACTIONS AND EMOTIONS.

I recall another time, a young lady was trying to throw a little shade. This was early on in our relationship but it was the very first time a woman had done that and the first time he checked me, and boldly told me: "Aight... don't get tricked out of yo' spot." Now. LET ME EXPLAIN.

I have always been the woman that it seemed like men ran after. I was the woman that cut men off - NOT the other way around. 😆 I was the "too cute" girl, ya know? I was the "it" girl. all'athat! LOL... and here this man - 5 YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME - basically telling me, if I continued to act like I was acting, I was going to lose MY spot!!!!! 

*wwwwwwwhhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeewwwwwwww* Baby you talking about OUCH AND AMEN AND GET YO ISH TOGETHER RIGHT NOW GIRL! 

In hindsight, the situation wasn't about my (then) boyfriend at the time but being challenged by another woman. I knew the situation was petty. I knew what the young lady was trying to do; and I allowed her to trigger me to the point of responding in a way that seemed like I was filled with drama TO HIM, and not peace TO HIM.

See. One thing most men want - correction. One thing most healed men want is PEACE in their home. They don't want to come home to a war zone at all. So what my husband showed me in both those scenarios is how to be a woman that could govern her emotions without having to be corrected BY HIM. I was a grown woman and I needed to act like it.  I imagine if I flew off the handle at every triggering thing - he would not have put up with that. But see - that's the only way I knew. Even being a woman of Yah, my excuse was, "Don't come for me..."

But ... that was indeed, an excuse. An excuse to "act up" and victimize myself, ya know. And here's the thing sis - drama ain't a fruit of the spirit but self control? IT. IS.  

And to be a BIBLICAL WIFE - you GOTTA operate in the SPIRIT, not the flesh!

Submission Requires Self-Control

You cannot be submitted to your husband or to Yah — if you’re not first submitted to the Spirit.

📖 Titus 2:3–5

“...teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home...”

This isn’t just old-school advice — it’s kingdom instruction for wives.

Key words here:

• Sober = mentally and emotionally disciplined

• Discreet = self-controlled in words and behavior

• Chaste = morally clean

• Keeper = one who governs her house and self

A Biblical wife is not led by her moods, mouth, or emotions — she is led by the Ruach HaKodesh. 

So see, when I hit the sister with the oven door, I was not sober emotionally. Did she deserve it? Eh.. probably, lol, because - MOVE. HOWEVER... the way to handle that was not THAT way. And I would bet that much of the problem that women have with submitting is that they can't respond in their FLESH. Does it hurt? HECK YES IT DOES. But it's supposed to!

Governed by the Spirit, Not the Flesh

📖 Galatians 5:22–23 tells us the fruit of the Spirit includes:

• Temperance (self-control)

• Meekness (power restrained)

• Longsuffering (patience under pressure)

So let’s be clear:
A loud, reactive, uncontrolled wife is not “strong” — she is untrained in the Spirit.

🧠 Real maturity isn’t about knowing Scripture — it’s about walking in fruit.

📖 Proverbs 25:28

“He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls.”

When your emotions are ungoverned, your marriage becomes vulnerable to spiritual attack. And boooooy... did it! 

See, I noted that every time I was out or order - it only escalated the situation and made it worse. But when I went into prayer and cried out to Yah - THINGS CHANGED. First, I had peace. It didn't matter what was fair or unfair because I had peace in the one who said HE would avenge me and all things would work out FOR ME. When I cried out to Yah, HE corrected me and gave me a heart that was tender enough to love through things that were meant to agitate me or break me. When I pleaded my case to Yah, HE HEARD ME! 

I didn't have to act out in my flesh. My weapon of warfare was simply prayer, fasting, and worship! No matter WHAT situation you're dealing with in your marriage - the weapons of warfare are powerful and at your disposal. We are truly without excuses sis. 

Self-Governed ≠ Silenced

Now hear this clearly — being self-governed doesn’t mean you never speak up.

🧕🏽 It means:

• You don’t let anger lead

• You don’t let hurt dominate

• You know when to speak, how to speak, and if Yah is even telling you to speak at all

📖 Proverbs 31:26

“She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.”

A self-governed wife doesn’t dishonor her husband publicly and then cry, “I’m just being real.”
She doesn’t weaponize her words or withdraw when she’s offended.
She walks in wisdom, timing, and restraint — because she fears Yah.

And THAT ladies - is what it boils down to. DO YOU FEAR YAH? 

See... I can't talk to my husband a certain kind of way when I'm in my feelings because I know the consequences to come behind that. I. FEAR. Yah. I see my husband as an extension of Yahweh's authority in my life. How could I dare allow my emotions to drive me to disrespect him? Dishonor him? Disobey him? But if you're comfortable making the excuses and thinking, "He just a man," - you won't hold yourself accountable. You won't be held accountable.

Many men are suffering in silence today in their marriages because society has told them, "Happy wife, happy life," and if you want a successful marriage - just learn to shut up and do your part. No wonder so many husbands seek peace and fulfillment outside of their homes! 

No. Your home is the first place of peace for your husband, for your children, and shoots for you. 

I knew that the young lady would not last long with my husband because she didn't bring peace and unity with her. Men don't want that; especially men that are self aware of their purpose, their calling, and who they are in the Most High. And if you have a "good man Savannah", why aren't you bringing him peace? I think that the quickest way to self sabotage is to refuse to be accountable to the things your husband expects of you and excuse it by saying that you need a man that can "handle you." Nah... you need to "handle yourself." You need to heal the little girl inside and accept that you may be the drama, as Cardi asked. And while it seems the question of, "Am I the drama" is a rhetorical one for her (because she also admits to being the drama) - I would definitely sit with myself and truly ask the Most High to show me exactly what areas I need to grow in when it comes to self governing. Plus, men are not argumentative. You may be winning so many arguments but losing his heart's trust each and every time! 

Like, I'm not going to lie - my weakness is in governing my health. It's a challenge for me and I have to embrace and accept it. But I'm not around here talking about, "Oh he need to accept me as I am." No, I am a stock of this household and he invests in it quite well. He needs a return of that investment to know that he has a healthy, fertile, capable wife that can be a helpmeet for years to come. 

We need to cancel the idea that whatever we come with is what men should accept, because we don't do the same! If your weakness is your attitude - sista work on that. If it's your appetite, your health, your language - whatever it is - WORK on that. I'm talking to myself too! 

Selah & Application

The Ruach doesn't make you cry and shout — He helps you shut up when needed. If you haven't experienced this - you're probably under a different spirit and need deliverance! 

The Holy Spirit I know? He helps you restrain yourself, speak with power, and govern your household in peace.

So ask yourself:

• Am I self-governed?

• Or do my flesh and feelings run the house?

Because if Yah is calling you to build — He’s also calling you to be stable.
And a wife who can’t govern herself can’t help govern a home.

Selah.

📝 Reflection Questions:

1. What area of your life currently lacks self-governance?

2. How have your emotions or tongue caused division in your marriage in the past?

3. What does it look like for you to walk in spiritual maturity as a wife?

4. Who taught you what “strength” in womanhood looks like — and does it align with Scripture?

✅ Challenge of the Week:

📿 Every morning this week, pray:

“Ruach HaKodesh, help me govern my spirit, my tongue, and my emotions. I submit my soul to Your authority.”

📝 Then journal moments during the day where you CHOSE:

• Silence instead of snapping

• Kindness instead of control

• Patience instead of pettiness

Let Yah show you the fruit He’s growing in you — even when it’s silent fruit.