I cannot believe it's been almost a year since my last blog but then again yes I can...though I did pick up podcasting and there are several new audios to listen to 😇 so click here... anyway... catching up.
A few weeks ago - probably a month now, I wanted to do a podcast on how to keep from becoming a bitter baby mama. One day, time will be on my side where I can do such things as I wish but as of right now... it's just been a delay - though writing is a priority so it's never denied. Unfortunately also, my heart is so heavily pricked seeing again the cycle of bitter women who use their emotions to make them less accountable for being bitter. But ... what happens when you're really wanting to be a peaceful mother and the negro just pushes every button there is to push?!
You get rid of the buttons!
First, let me disclaim this by explaining my title. Now, I'm not going to lie and say the father of my children have the most peaceful relationships with me nor vice versa; it's quite opposite. Currently, at the time of writing this blog - neither men have permission to speak directly to me after the last few incidences. So... no, I'm not going to pretend my personal life is "peaceful" lol ... to somebody's standards...at least ...
No, this blog is to basically address how to remain peaceful and a woman of grace in the face of this evil "baby mama, baby daddy" syndrome. How to take responsibility and accountability for you! So, if you dare to keep reading, we can move on.
Secondly, let me say this will certainly not be a "tell all." One thing that has kept me silent on this topic was because I base a lot of my speaking from my truth as I have experienced it. That truth comes with exposing my own faults, and I try to stay away from exposing the faults of others intentionally - no shade, I just think that speaks a lot on character. I get it - one of the first things we do when we're hurt is we want everyone to see how hurt we are. So exposing seems fair... but that's not me nor will it ever need to be. I'll make a few notes on my thoughts of exposure ... But for all intents and purposes, some things will need to be disclosed that I don't particularly talk about because it's more private; I've honestly probably given more honor than I ever should have but again - what this boils down to is examining your heart as a woman. If you dare to continue...
Like I was saying, most of my speakings come after an experience as a testimony...but this is a situation I guess it's one of the "thorns in my side" that Yahweh definitely gives me grace for and so I'll have to begin with that as a preface. I do not pretend to be the easiest to get along with because I do have standards, expectations and desires as a coparenting mother that seem to clash with the fathers of my children. Added to that, my husband plays a major part raising and disciplining the children under this roof!
Still...As a fatherless daughter in the natural, my children having a relationship with their father was a life goal for me. I didn't want fatherless daughters no less. My number one desire is that my children have a relationship with their biological father that goes beyond the superficial realm of being a holiday and weekend dad. For this reason, I've held little restriction to any *if at all* with time, visitation, etc. And for the mamas that don't ever get a break, isn't that what we want? Right! So keeping the kids away or interfering with a relationship has not been my nature.
My expectation is simple. Do right by me, I'll do right by you. Respect me, I'll respect you. Keep our children out of the middle of anything. Money? Be fair.... I mean - nothing unrealistic to me. Really too much like right? I don't expect more money, more time, more nothing... I just expect the men that say that they love their children to show that in every way fashionable without me.
I can promise you there is no successful documented evidence or proven incident where I can be labeled as a bitter baby mama, cared who the men were with after me, or cared ANYTHING about being with them either afterwards. Show up or don't. I made my bed, I sleep in it. That's been my attitude and how I have adjusted along the years.
However, the times that make co-parenting hard is when things are personal. That has caused friction for some time now. So... how do you become the "peaceful baby mama" when the "baby daddy" isn't. Now, for me, again - being the "peaceful" baby mama comes with first finding PEACE within yourself! One of the first signs of not having peace within yourself is "exposing" your baby daddy!
How Zoë?
Why (insert name here)?
Because he did....? And.... ? So what does exposing him do? Kill his character? Let everybody see the man you loved and you gave seed to? Why is there a point to prove to anyone? See, this exposes your hurt and your heart more than killing his character. Plus, do you realize that people change, including you. You may not be "the best" in his story either, you know? You may not do what he does, but acknowledge if you're respectful to his position? Do you usurp his authority? I mean... "exposing"... We could all do some exposing. But what it says? It says he is worth your energy, worth your time, worth your harboring hatred, worth your conversations... that's too much power my dear.
Controlling how the kid(s) see him? Controlling how the kids talk to him? Controlling when the kids talk to him?
Why (insert name here)?
See... peace within yourself comes with a face to face in the mirror of where your relationship is with him. Are you really still angry with him because you love him, and he's hurting you? Or are you really disappointed in the version of him you receive. Admit whatever it is. Admit to yourself where you are with him, and ultimately where he is with the kids. Is he a "dead beat dad" or do y'all just not get along?!
When you find peace within yourself, nothing moves you. You can separate what affects you from what really affects the kids! See that's really what peace stands for to me. It's not the absence of trouble, my dear, it's the ability to stand in the midst of a storm and smile. Smile with a clear conscious. Smile with a, "You can't hurt me." Smile knowing you were the best version of you to him that you could be and that's all that matters.
That peace first starts with acknowledging and being accountable for the fact that you chose him. Yes, I know this is harsh and unfair; because of course, maybe you didn't choose that version of him. Yet, you chose him. He could not be anything in your life, had you not chosen him. I have repented and spoken heavily on choosing my exhusband and making him my god, instead of being led by the Holy Spirit in my relationship with him. When I deal with him now, almost two decades later, I am reminded: "You can choose your actions, but you can't choose the consequences/outcomes." Instead of finding fault, I find grace. Grace for myself and grace for him.
See, at 19 I saw tall, light skin, and handsome with brown eyes. I didn't see the man that I would need to fulfill my mandate, a didn't see a king who needed a helpmeet and I needed to be molded to be one, nor did I see the kind of man I would want as a father - to restore patriarch in our society. We're shallow like that as women, especially women who don't have guidance as they should - or don't listen. Either way, it was shallow. For whatever reason, the man is the father of two of my children. I have birthed two of his own and even in his disrespect, post our marriage - I have been asked to bear him another son. The irony huh, for me being such "an incompetent" mother. The slander, the judgements, the intentional abuse of money to control, and etc. - no, I didn't see that for a man that would want another child by me. When I say I have many reasons to be angry, many reasons to "expose", many reasons to be bitter - and I can find justification in them all. But ... the root? The root of it all - I made a decision in my twenties - and those decisions follow me today. That's it. So when my past begins to act like my past, I have two options - answer as my past or answer as the person I want to be. The mother I want to be. See. The decision was made that peace will exist - by choice or by force. You can exist peacefully, even if you have to with assistance. But you have to choose it first.
That's where I found my solution. In peace. In forgiveness. Forgiving myself. Forgiving the versions of the men I once loved. Forgiving the versions of the men they are now. Dealing with them accordingly in peace as much as I can, all while staying prepared for war 😉 ...'cause my household requires respect. That's where I am. That was my first step. Accept the reality of the Newton's third law in my decisions - and prayerfully be to other young women and girls the direction they need to not repeat my decisions.
Maybe you need a moment to reflect and release. Reflect on your own journey. Reflect on the part you played in it. Reflect on how you allow yourself to be triggered. Whatever... I don't know. But if you're not operating in peace, and the only person in the equation that can change is you - you have to at some point simply say enough is enough sister.
"But how do you remain at peace when it's affecting the kids?"
... stay tuned for that part! :)